Tag Archives: weird

Man to Ride “Christ Cycle” around World

Panama City, PA -19 Feb. 2009- Staff. Manuel Goya wasn’t a pious man until 10 months ago, on Easter Sunday, when he awoke to find that his unicycle was emblazoned with the face of Jesus Christ.  After leaving the bike out all night in the rain, however, a strange pattern appeared on the head tube badge, warping the logo into the image of the face of the Christian Savior.  

As a result, Mr. Goya now dedicates his life to serving  God.  “From that moment, my life changed,” says Goya. “I was an evil man, and God sent me this sign to give me a mission of peace and hope.”  

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Mr. Goya, after much soul searching, has now decided that he will ride the unicycle chosen by God all the way around the world to solicit funds for constructing a cathedral on the site of the miraculaous image.  “This journey will inspire others as God has touched my life.  For my salvation and the continuing salvation of the human race, I will ride the unicycle God has ordained and erect a monument to his Glory.”

If he secures enough initial funding, Goya’s unicycle route would take him up through the U.S., across the Atlantic and then through Europe and Asia, before crossing the Pacific and returning home an d beginning work on the cathedral.  Along the way, Goya hopes to solicit monetary donations from penitent congregations all over the world.

Despite being a wildly popular initiative in his home village, Goya’s globe trotting quest has drawn the ire of local church officials.  Father Federico Hermano, leader of the village parish was particularly doubtful.  “The glory of God is in the charitable acts of the Church, not some half brained, mock Richard Branson stunt,” he said.  

Still, Goya is nearly halfway to his fundraising goal and remains optimistic.  “God has set this unicycle aside for great things, and I will do his will wihout hesitation,” said Goya.

Man Pays Bills with Spirits of Ancestors

Anchorage, AK -18 Feb. 2009- Staff.  Utilities workers had to trek through frigid and icy conditions to a remote hillside 20 miles outside of Anchorage to settle Herman Moses’ account.  While they deal with delinquent accounts on a regular basis, the workers were lost for words when Moses offered them sevearal of his dead relatives as payment.  The Anchorage police department eventually resolved the situation, but not before Moses insisted on his bizarre proposal for several hours.    

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Moses’ power and water bills, which hadn’t been paid in nearly 10 months, were lying in a heap by the door when they arrived, the workers say.  When confronted face to face by the threat of  having his power and water shut off, however, he offered a barter: several lamps, a vacuum cleaner and a non-functioning television, all which Moses claimed housed the spirits of his mother, aunt and many cousins.  

After a long discussion, the utilities workers called the police to mediate.  Shortly after police arrived on the scene, Moses agreed to pay his debt with U.S. currency.  Moses didn’t respond to repeated requests for comment.  

A note, taped to a fence post at his residence, expressed resentment:

“The stingk [sic] of authoritee [sic] is too much. The spririts will HAUNT!”

Peter Kappiataitok, an Inuit shaman, or Angakok, serving native peoples in the Anchorage area, was less than enthused about Moses’ ploy.  “I personally find the notion that one can trap the spirits of their ancestors and use them to pay debts to be both insulting and offensive,” he says.  “This is the kind of thinking one would expect from the depraved or uneducated, certainly not an Inuit or anyone with enough sense to hold a normal job and pay their bills on time.”  

According to publicly available records, Moses is an active member of St. Jude’s methodist church outside of Anchorage.

Woman Gives Birth to Block of Cheese

Berlin, DE -13 Feb. 2009- A pregnant woman rushed to the hospital to give birth shocked doctors and staff when it was revealed that what she had passed off as a fetus for months was in fact a large block of cheese .cheese

The woman, whom hospital administrators have refused to identify due to confidentiality rules, has a history of mental illness, according to  medical records obtained from people close to the situation.   Not only has she been detained in the past for public disturbances, but she has been on significant doses of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications for many years.

One attending doctor, speaking on the condition that they remain anonymous, remarked that it is not uncommon for some individuals to fake medical conditions in order to gain attention and financial support.  Using cheese to fake a pregnancy, however, seems to be unprecedented, even among the mentally ill.

“Beyond weird,” remarked the doctor.  “I don’t know how one would do it, but it must take an unwordly level of self deception to even conceive of something like this.”

What’s more, the woman had apparently registered herself at several stores for an upcoming baby shower and had been regularly consulting an obstretician by phone.  

With so much contact with others, it is unclear how she was able to keep from revealing herself for so long.  According to sources familiar with the matter, all of her neighbors believed her to be pregnant, and had helped her pay her rent and shop for baby clothes and furniture.

Around 4 am on Thursday, after the woman was heard complaining loudly of severe pains outside an apartment building.  Neighbors, assuming that she was in labor, took her to an emergency room where doctors uncovered a sodden and moldy mass of what they later determined to be several bricks of cheddar cheese bound together with twine.

Residents of the apartment building refused to comment, and the woman has been detained pending further psychiatric evaluation.

Man Hacks Computer with Pen

Sydney, Au. -12 Feb. 2009- Staff.  A hacker out to impress his colleagues set a new standard in the emerging tech “sport” of “offline” hacking.  Not satisfied like most hackers with stealing secure government data, manipulating live television or taking down websites with a million strong botnet, Hector Morgan, 32, has perfected a method of manipulating computer networks with nothing more than an ordinary plastic pen.

There’s only one rub: it’s a secret which he refuses to teach others.

“I’ll never tell.  You’d have to duct tape my XBox to my mother and hold her hostage, and even then, I’d hold out as long as I could,” asserted Morgan, speaking from his home.  While details were sparse, he did offer a video demonstration, which he provided through a secure website.

In the grainy, homemade footage, Morgan has three different computers, his own and two others operated by masked accomplices.  “You need to grok the hacker community; anonymity is sometimes the most important tool,” Morgan explained, when asked about the masks.  

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Once his two shrouded assistants have logged into their machines, Hector then moves to the center of the room, where a series of cables are interconnected.  Viewed at distance, Morgan appears to cut a larger cable and insert a pen.  He then uses his finger to tap the end of the pen for several minutes, while a caption scrolls, “Binary by HAND, BIOTHES [sic] !”   across the botom of the screen.  

Morgan then returns to his own computer and is able to send commands to the each of the others.  Close up shots of the hacked terminals show the same “Hexomizer rules the universe, your ass and your mom”  which Morgan’s computer displays initially.  

“Yeah, you probably shouldn’t print that fucking shit,” Morgan chuckled. “Next thing you know I get hate mail from all those bitches.”

Morgan is a freshman computer science student at the University of Sydney.  US faculty did not repsond to repeated requests for comment, but Seth Norton, a senior consultant at Enviro Network Security Solutions based in Perth, cast strong doubts on the demonstration.

“Binary is a complex code that is specific to each program and the environment in which it runs.  To even conceive of an act like the one you describe would take several thousand lines of commands.  Even if you could get the code itself correct, binary isn’t like morse code; it isn’t possible to produce physcially.”

Given the video evidence, however, it seems there is a possibility that the pen is mightier than the computer, among other things.

Man Can’t Recognize Faces- Leans on Crotches

Crested Butte, CO -7 Feb. 2009- Staff. Ray Kotlyar looks like a normal 26 year old man.  He works as a mechanic is this rural Colorado town and has a wife and family.  But due to a tragic grain thresher accident several years ago, he suffers from a rare condition known as prosopagnosia, or the inability to recognize faces.  An extra rarity, however, is that Ray can recognize people based on their groin.

“Everybody is a bit different, and if you stop and think of it, the face is really sort of random.  Why not the hands or arms or groin,” responded Kotlyar.  “I’m not so different.”

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He says that just as regular people analyze faces based on eye position, wrinkles, the shape of the mouth and other minute physcial features, he can see subtle differences in the crotch.  “You see a fold that always falls this certain way, or an extra bagginess.  Telling men from women, of course is pretty easy. ”

But Kotlyar’s ability goes far beyond any exceptional powers of observation.  In an impromptu trial with three reporters and seven pairs of pants, Kotlyar scored 100% each and every time.  “You can’t hide from me in those corduroys,” he joked.  

Dr. Mila Severin, Adjunct Faculty Chief of Cognitive Neuroscience at Rutgers University, was not familiar with Kotlyar’s case, but confirmed that many patients with agnosia, commonly defined as the inability to recognize familiar objects, find that their perception is altered in surprising ways.  “The crotch, no, I would not have expected that, but when the brain is damaged, it will often result in new connections and unexpected ability,” she said.  

Though his inability to recognize his own wife’s face can be a handicap, Kotlyar was upbeat about his situation.  “Everybody’s got a face, sure, but everybody has a crotch, too.  Even stevens.”

Researchers Make Computer from Brains

Shanghai -5 Feb. 2009- Staff. A coalition of international scientists revealed today the result of over 7 years of research and development: a “computer” made of human brain tissue.

Using 20 different donor brains, Dr. Edmond Tussie and his team at the Guanzao Institute for Neural Advancement spliced together a network of neurons which fire together in concert to perform mathematical calculations.  The “processor” has already been clocked at over 2 million operations per second, and can already beat Dr. Tussie at virtual checkers.  With further research, Dr. Tussie believes that organic processing machines based on human tissues could reach up to 10 million operations per second within 2 years.

“Only recently people would have scoffed at the idea of a ‘living’ computer, that bridges the gap between humanity and machines,” said Dr. Tussie, speaking from his home in Romania.  “Today I am happy to announce that I have been able to cross that rubicon and usher in a new age of bioinformatics.”

Others, however, have raised concern with what they call Dr. Tussie’s “unorthodox” methods.

“It’s basically a series of convicts’ brains with an electric current,” countered Dr. Sanjay Sivarantha, professor of neuro-biology at Southern Florida University.  “You could electrify potatoes and have the same result.”

Despite some concern, Dr. Tussie remained nonplussed. “It is foolish to ignore the singularity.  Only at your own peril will you blind yourself to the inevitable convergence.”