Saskatchewan, CA -17 Feb. 2009- Staff. According to a new discovery in the arctic province of Canada, cavemen may have been a great deal more amorous that previous research suggests. While excavating a site in the northern region of Saskatchewan, archaeologists unearthed a nearly complete settlement which included a wooden phallus more than 10,000 years old. The object, discovered by Dr. Buckley Tonson of the University of Toronto, could be among the very first devices created by man for self pleasure.
Among the usual stone tools and artifacts, researchers were stunned to find the piece, which was preserved in remarkable condition under more than 20 feet of ice. Carved from a solid block of pine, the toy is roughly ten inches long, with a diameter of more than two inches and many decorative glyphs and drawings.
“What’s amazing here is not just the function of the tool, which is fascinating in and of itself, but to see such elaborate details and aesthetic sensitivity is truly unprecedented,” marveled Dr. Tonson. “These people lived in an extremely harsh environment and prized utility and efficiency above all else. Ornamentation was rare, and to see this intense focus on decoration allows us to infer that this object was very prized and important.”
The drawings along the entire length of the object depict a variety of scenes from daily life, including a man slaughtering an antelope and a woman using a large bone needle to repair clothing. All scenes are embellished with deeply textured, abstract patterns and appear to have been carefully planned and executed over a long period of time, said Dr. Tonson.
The object was recovered as part a two year long excavation of the site, which continues to yield important clues about prehistoric peoples in North America. “Many parts of these peoples’ lives remain shrouded in mystery, and we’ll need a great deal more work to answer all of our questions,” emphasized Dr. Tonson. “This work is critically important to shine a light on the history of the human race.”
New York, NY. -11 Feb. 2009- Staff. NYPD and NYFD finally freed a local man this evening after his foot had become lodged in a public urinal during an altercation.
Authories identified the victim as only by his first name, Ryan, and specified that he was a 25 year old man from Manhattan. Though authorities arrived on the scene relatively quickly, Ryan had already, through repeated attempts to free himself, worked his leg into the urinal almost all the way up to his right knee.
First repsonders were not able to get him out using physcial force, but they were able to free him after several hours using specialized heavy equipment in a delicate operation to cut the urinal out of the wall without causing physcial harm.
Details of the altercation leading up to the rescue are unclear, but witnesses say that after another man refused to share food, Ryan flew into an uncontrollable rage, kicking at random and screaming non-sequiturs. One witness quoted Ryan as yelling “stop hiding your candy” several times.
Soon after the disturbance began, Ryan’s foot somehow became lodged in the urinal. The other man, who remains unidentified, then departed the scene.
Ryan also left the scene quickly after he was cut free just after 10pm Eastern Time, but NYFD spokesperson Clint Bonesteel provided an approximated timeline of the rescue.
- 2:00 pm ET- Ryan is refused candy
- 2:02 pm ET- Ryan’s foot becomes stuck
- 2:30 pm- Ryan is discovered by residents
- 2:45 pm- NYPD arrives on scene
- 3:00 pm- First rescue attempt fails; NYFD is called
- 3:15 pm- NYFD arrives on scene
- 3:45 pm- Specialist consultants contacted after second failed rescue
- 4:30 pm- Third rescue attempt fails
- 5:30 pm- Call for specialized equipment goes out
- 6:00 pm- Specialized equipment is located in Philadelphia
- 8:30 pm- Equipment arrives on scene
- 10:00 pm- Victim is freed
Mr. Bonesteel says this type of incident is rare, but stressed that it is important in emergency situations to respect your immediate environment and stay calm. “You could be in a simple, unfurnished room and still get yourself into trouble,” he added. “The main thing is to relax and not make the situation worse by struggling, crying or calling people who can’t help you. Instead of your mother, call the authorities first and stay calm until they arrive.”
Brooklyn, NY- 1 Feb 2009- Staff. Police responding to repeated 911 calls about a “masked avenger” in East Flatbrush were surprised to discover the the reported “superhero” was actually local musician Edward Tomco.
Tomco, returning home late last Thursday, was just as surprised to be confronted by local residents who insisted that he “clean up the neighborhood.”
“All of the sudden, these people came up and started talking about my utility belt, asking me how I swung from buildings, all sorts of crazy things,” says Tomco, who works as dishwasher. “I still can’t get my head around it.”
Once on the scene, Police attempted to disperse the small crowd which had gathered around Tomco, but the news spread quickly via text message, and onlookers soon numbered over 150. Amid chants of “Dark Knight! Dark Knight!” Tomco attempted to continue home, but an as yet unidentified minor grasped his belt from behind and made off with his pants, spurring ever more engergetic chants from the crowd.
After deploying several cannisters of tear gas, officers were able to disperse the crowd, and Tomco contintued home. Some locals, however, were not dissuaded. Floyd McEnroe, a retired welder who made one of the first 911 calls, was emphatic at the scene: “I’m tired of Batman’s Bull***t. He’s done a real crap job and then gives up to play guitar? He needs to get off his a** and fix a few people up around here.”
Brooklyn police did not return several calls seeking comment.
Goa – 30 Jan 2009- Staff. Dance clubs in the Indian clubbing district of Goa are reacting to the latest “Grumpy Bumpy” (लिंग योनि विस्फोट) incident which has left three critically injured in the last month alone.
The debate stems from a string of accidents centered around an increasingly popular dance move in which participants make direct pelvic contact and gyrate wildly to bass intensive electronic music. At least three people in Goa have been hospitalized in related incidents.
Gayatri Spivak, owner of Palace Grind in Goa, recalls a particluarly gruesome night when a couple suffered collectively from a dislocated hip, three fractured wrists and multiple facial lacerations. “Awful, just awful. Like two very aroused puppets for whom the strings had been cut,” she said, describing the accident.
Chief District Safety Enforcement Officer (मनुष्य जो एक औरत को नहीं मिल सकता) Sunil Ramachadran highlighted the dangers of the practice and urged caution when out at night: “Bandits or robbers may follow you home, but this danger lurks within you. We must not allow our young people to engage in such dangerous actions.”
Others however, counter that accidents simply happen. “Wherever we go, there are restrictions. You cross the street, and a car hits you. You dance and a woman tears your pants or strains a muscle. It happens,” says Andreas Merkel, a German national vacationing in the area. “If you regulate the crotch, what’s next? Foam padding on the dance floor?” he added.