Woman Gives Birth to Block of Cheese

Berlin, DE -13 Feb. 2009- A pregnant woman rushed to the hospital to give birth shocked doctors and staff when it was revealed that what she had passed off as a fetus for months was in fact a large block of cheese .cheese

The woman, whom hospital administrators have refused to identify due to confidentiality rules, has a history of mental illness, according to  medical records obtained from people close to the situation.   Not only has she been detained in the past for public disturbances, but she has been on significant doses of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications for many years.

One attending doctor, speaking on the condition that they remain anonymous, remarked that it is not uncommon for some individuals to fake medical conditions in order to gain attention and financial support.  Using cheese to fake a pregnancy, however, seems to be unprecedented, even among the mentally ill.

“Beyond weird,” remarked the doctor.  “I don’t know how one would do it, but it must take an unwordly level of self deception to even conceive of something like this.”

What’s more, the woman had apparently registered herself at several stores for an upcoming baby shower and had been regularly consulting an obstretician by phone.  

With so much contact with others, it is unclear how she was able to keep from revealing herself for so long.  According to sources familiar with the matter, all of her neighbors believed her to be pregnant, and had helped her pay her rent and shop for baby clothes and furniture.

Around 4 am on Thursday, after the woman was heard complaining loudly of severe pains outside an apartment building.  Neighbors, assuming that she was in labor, took her to an emergency room where doctors uncovered a sodden and moldy mass of what they later determined to be several bricks of cheddar cheese bound together with twine.

Residents of the apartment building refused to comment, and the woman has been detained pending further psychiatric evaluation.


Man Hacks Computer with Pen

Sydney, Au. -12 Feb. 2009- Staff.  A hacker out to impress his colleagues set a new standard in the emerging tech “sport” of “offline” hacking.  Not satisfied like most hackers with stealing secure government data, manipulating live television or taking down websites with a million strong botnet, Hector Morgan, 32, has perfected a method of manipulating computer networks with nothing more than an ordinary plastic pen.

There’s only one rub: it’s a secret which he refuses to teach others.

“I’ll never tell.  You’d have to duct tape my XBox to my mother and hold her hostage, and even then, I’d hold out as long as I could,” asserted Morgan, speaking from his home.  While details were sparse, he did offer a video demonstration, which he provided through a secure website.

In the grainy, homemade footage, Morgan has three different computers, his own and two others operated by masked accomplices.  “You need to grok the hacker community; anonymity is sometimes the most important tool,” Morgan explained, when asked about the masks.  


Once his two shrouded assistants have logged into their machines, Hector then moves to the center of the room, where a series of cables are interconnected.  Viewed at distance, Morgan appears to cut a larger cable and insert a pen.  He then uses his finger to tap the end of the pen for several minutes, while a caption scrolls, “Binary by HAND, BIOTHES [sic] !”   across the botom of the screen.  

Morgan then returns to his own computer and is able to send commands to the each of the others.  Close up shots of the hacked terminals show the same “Hexomizer rules the universe, your ass and your mom”  which Morgan’s computer displays initially.  

“Yeah, you probably shouldn’t print that fucking shit,” Morgan chuckled. “Next thing you know I get hate mail from all those bitches.”

Morgan is a freshman computer science student at the University of Sydney.  US faculty did not repsond to repeated requests for comment, but Seth Norton, a senior consultant at Enviro Network Security Solutions based in Perth, cast strong doubts on the demonstration.

“Binary is a complex code that is specific to each program and the environment in which it runs.  To even conceive of an act like the one you describe would take several thousand lines of commands.  Even if you could get the code itself correct, binary isn’t like morse code; it isn’t possible to produce physcially.”

Given the video evidence, however, it seems there is a possibility that the pen is mightier than the computer, among other things.

Man Freed from Urinal after 8 Hours

New York, NY. -11 Feb. 2009- Staff.  NYPD and NYFD finally freed a local man this evening after his foot had become lodged in a public urinal during an altercation.  

Authories identified the victim as only by his first name, Ryan, and specified that he was a 25 year old man from Manhattan.  Though authorities arrived on the scene relatively quickly, Ryan had already, through repeated attempts to free himself, worked his leg into the urinal almost all the way up to his right knee.urinal_stolen

First repsonders were not able to get him out using physcial force, but  they were able to free him after several hours using specialized heavy equipment in a delicate operation to cut the urinal out of the wall without causing physcial harm.  

Details of the altercation leading up to the rescue are unclear, but witnesses say that after another man refused to share food, Ryan flew into an uncontrollable rage, kicking at random and screaming non-sequiturs.  One witness quoted Ryan as yelling “stop hiding your candy” several times.  

Soon after the disturbance began, Ryan’s foot somehow became lodged in the urinal.  The other man, who remains unidentified, then departed the scene. 

 Ryan also left the scene quickly after he was cut free just after 10pm Eastern Time, but NYFD spokesperson Clint Bonesteel provided an approximated timeline of the rescue.

  • 2:00 pm ET- Ryan is refused candy
  • 2:02 pm ET- Ryan’s foot becomes stuck
  • 2:30 pm- Ryan is discovered by residents
  • 2:45 pm- NYPD arrives on scene
  • 3:00 pm- First rescue attempt fails; NYFD is called
  • 3:15 pm- NYFD arrives on scene
  • 3:45 pm- Specialist consultants contacted after second failed rescue
  • 4:30 pm- Third rescue attempt fails
  • 5:30 pm- Call for specialized equipment goes out
  • 6:00 pm- Specialized equipment is located in Philadelphia
  • 8:30 pm- Equipment arrives on scene
  • 10:00 pm- Victim is freed

Mr. Bonesteel says this type of incident is rare, but stressed that it is important in emergency situations to respect your immediate environment and stay calm.  “You could be in a simple, unfurnished room and still get yourself into trouble,” he added.  “The main thing is to relax and not make the situation worse by struggling, crying or calling people who can’t help you.  Instead of your mother, call the authorities first and stay calm until they arrive.”

Chimpanzee ‘Congress’ More Efficient than Humans

Missoula, MT -10 Feb. 2009- Staff. “Monkey Business” turns out to have a literal interpretation, as a group of primatologists at the University of Montana have shown that, given the right tools, some monkeys really do mean business.

At the UM primatology lab in Missoula, researchers have successfully organized 100 chimpanzees into a group which can process pieces of paper, each of which indicates through its color and shape different living factors, such as feeding schedules and mating arrangements.  chimps

“Primate social organization is a great deal more complicated than people think,” said Dr. David Love, Principal Investigator and Head of UM’s Primatology Studies department.  “Chimps in particular create lasting bonds and adhere to a strict hierarchy.  In this case, we were able to institute a system of behavorial conditioning that led to the formation of a rudimentary ‘oversight’ group.”

In this case, the hirsuite junior legislators are given packs of the coded paper, which they then sort, evaluate and accept or reject.  The process, punctuated by alternating bursts of hooting and activity and deep, refletive silence, continues to astound primatologists and political scientists alike.

Dr. Roy Conway, a professor of Political Economy at UM serves as an advisor to the project.  “This incredible organization of the chimps is even more impressive when you consider that they are able to democratically organize every facet of their lives at a rate of speed which shames any organized human government,” he said.

Indeed, “meeting” only once every two weeks, the chimps are able to decided what they eat and when, which chimps will mate, where toys and other items are stored in the enclosure, which humans are allowed in the enclosure and over 30 other “bills” in less than 36 hours.  

By contrast, on average the U.S. Senate  takes 10 months to consider and approve a bill.

Record Set for Watching Star Trek Episodes

Piscataway, NJ -9 Feb. 2009- Staff.  Richard Perkins never though he would set any records, but this local student has reached a milestone few others could conceive of: a cumulative 27293 minutes of Star Trek in less than three weeks.

Armed with nothing more than a library card, a freezer full of prepared meals and a non-functioning cellphone, Perkins began with classic Star Trek and moved in ascending order through Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.  “I lost a bet a little while ago with some buddies, and since I didn’t have class for a while, I decided to go for it,” Perkins remarked.  nerd

Each Star Trek series lasted several seasons, with each episode nearing 1 hour.  Perkins accomplished his feat by watching nearly round the clock and ordering food over the Internet.  Despite his victory, Perkins has no plans to attempt other TV series. “Man, I was about to collapse.  This was way worse than playing Halo Pong,” he added.

BREAKING: Man Consumes 10lbs. of Glass Beads

Reno, NV – 3 Feb. 2009- Staff. A Reno man was hospitalized today after consuming nearly 10lbs. of glass beads stored in a bag marked “Delicious Rice.” The man, who refused to be identified, is expected to make a full recovery, though doctors have warned against heavy activity. 


Man Can’t Recognize Faces- Leans on Crotches

Crested Butte, CO -7 Feb. 2009- Staff. Ray Kotlyar looks like a normal 26 year old man.  He works as a mechanic is this rural Colorado town and has a wife and family.  But due to a tragic grain thresher accident several years ago, he suffers from a rare condition known as prosopagnosia, or the inability to recognize faces.  An extra rarity, however, is that Ray can recognize people based on their groin.

“Everybody is a bit different, and if you stop and think of it, the face is really sort of random.  Why not the hands or arms or groin,” responded Kotlyar.  “I’m not so different.”


He says that just as regular people analyze faces based on eye position, wrinkles, the shape of the mouth and other minute physcial features, he can see subtle differences in the crotch.  “You see a fold that always falls this certain way, or an extra bagginess.  Telling men from women, of course is pretty easy. ”

But Kotlyar’s ability goes far beyond any exceptional powers of observation.  In an impromptu trial with three reporters and seven pairs of pants, Kotlyar scored 100% each and every time.  “You can’t hide from me in those corduroys,” he joked.  

Dr. Mila Severin, Adjunct Faculty Chief of Cognitive Neuroscience at Rutgers University, was not familiar with Kotlyar’s case, but confirmed that many patients with agnosia, commonly defined as the inability to recognize familiar objects, find that their perception is altered in surprising ways.  “The crotch, no, I would not have expected that, but when the brain is damaged, it will often result in new connections and unexpected ability,” she said.  

Though his inability to recognize his own wife’s face can be a handicap, Kotlyar was upbeat about his situation.  “Everybody’s got a face, sure, but everybody has a crotch, too.  Even stevens.”