Daily Archives: February 5, 2009

Researchers Make Computer from Brains

Shanghai -5 Feb. 2009- Staff. A coalition of international scientists revealed today the result of over 7 years of research and development: a “computer” made of human brain tissue.

Using 20 different donor brains, Dr. Edmond Tussie and his team at the Guanzao Institute for Neural Advancement spliced together a network of neurons which fire together in concert to perform mathematical calculations.  The “processor” has already been clocked at over 2 million operations per second, and can already beat Dr. Tussie at virtual checkers.  With further research, Dr. Tussie believes that organic processing machines based on human tissues could reach up to 10 million operations per second within 2 years.

“Only recently people would have scoffed at the idea of a ‘living’ computer, that bridges the gap between humanity and machines,” said Dr. Tussie, speaking from his home in Romania.  “Today I am happy to announce that I have been able to cross that rubicon and usher in a new age of bioinformatics.”

Others, however, have raised concern with what they call Dr. Tussie’s “unorthodox” methods.

“It’s basically a series of convicts’ brains with an electric current,” countered Dr. Sanjay Sivarantha, professor of neuro-biology at Southern Florida University.  “You could electrify potatoes and have the same result.”

Despite some concern, Dr. Tussie remained nonplussed. “It is foolish to ignore the singularity.  Only at your own peril will you blind yourself to the inevitable convergence.”


Punk Rocker Mistaken for Batman

Brooklyn, NY- 1 Feb 2009- Staff. Police responding to repeated 911 calls about a “masked avenger” in East Flatbrush were surprised to discover the the reported “superhero” was actually local musician Edward Tomco.


Tomco, returning home late last Thursday, was just as surprised to be confronted by local residents who insisted that he “clean up the neighborhood.”

“All of the sudden, these people came up and started talking about my utility belt, asking me how I swung from buildings, all sorts of crazy things,” says Tomco, who works as dishwasher. “I still can’t get my head around it.”

Once on the scene, Police attempted to disperse the small crowd which had gathered around Tomco, but the news spread quickly via text message, and onlookers soon numbered over 150. Amid chants of “Dark Knight! Dark Knight!” Tomco attempted to continue home, but an as yet unidentified minor grasped his belt from behind and made off with his pants, spurring ever more engergetic chants from the crowd.

After deploying several cannisters of tear gas, officers were able to disperse the crowd, and Tomco contintued home. Some locals, however, were not dissuaded. Floyd McEnroe, a retired welder who made one of the first 911 calls, was emphatic at the scene: “I’m tired of Batman’s Bull***t. He’s done a real crap job and then gives up to play guitar? He needs to get off his a** and fix a few people up around here.”

Brooklyn police did not return several calls seeking comment.

Something Wrong with a Little Bump and Grind

Goa – 30 Jan 2009- Staff.  Dance clubs in the Indian clubbing district of Goa are reacting to the latest “Grumpy Bumpy” (लिंग योनि विस्फोट) incident which has left three critically injured in the last month alone.


The debate stems from a string of accidents centered around an increasingly popular dance move in which participants make direct pelvic contact and gyrate wildly to bass intensive electronic music.  At least three people in Goa have been hospitalized in related incidents. 

Gayatri Spivak, owner of Palace Grind in Goa, recalls a particluarly gruesome night when a couple suffered collectively from a dislocated hip, three fractured wrists and multiple facial lacerations.  “Awful, just awful.  Like two very aroused puppets for whom the strings had been cut,” she said, describing the accident.

Chief District Safety Enforcement Officer (मनुष्य जो एक औरत को नहीं मिल सकता) Sunil Ramachadran highlighted the dangers of the practice and urged caution when out at night:  “Bandits or robbers may follow you home, but this danger lurks within you.  We must not allow our young people to engage in such dangerous actions.”  

Others however, counter that accidents simply happen. “Wherever we go, there are restrictions. You cross the street, and a car hits you.  You dance and a woman tears your pants or strains a muscle. It happens,” says Andreas Merkel, a German national vacationing in the area.  “If you regulate the crotch, what’s next?  Foam padding on the dance floor?” he added. 

Family Mourns Underwater Cell Phone Accident

Miami- 30 Jan. 2008- Staff.  Authorities today revealed a shocking twist in the tragic death of Gwen Powers last week at the Scuba Corral School of Undersea Instruction.


While participating in an undersea graduation ceremony at the scuba school Monday Jan. 19, Ms. Powers suddenly convulsed and lay still at the bottom of the ostentatiously bejewled “finishing” tank, according to eye witness reports.

“Right at the sea monkey podium […] Gwen seized up like somebody just grabbed her,” instructor Tom Pike recalls, adding that Gwen was a star pupil.  “You just don’t see dive talent like that walking down the street every day.  She could’ve been the next Cousteau,” he said.

Details from the newly released police report reveal that Ms. Powers suffered a fatal jolt of amperage from a newly purchased smartphone she had carried into the pool.  Though authorities have no conclusive evidence, they suspect that the device shorted out from a sudden tear in Ms. Powers watertight patch.  This likely occured during an elaborate undewater display of acrobatics, required for all graduates. 

Detective Rob Dignan was quick to use the incident to highlight the broader risk of newly ubiquitous, high electricity ‘smartphones.’  “Head cancer nothing.  These are dangerous devices that you should think twice about carrying on your person,” remarked Dignan.  “Smartphone saftey has too long been overlooked.”